I'm currently in a dissociative state, I can't emotionally connect to myself or hold down any kind of feeling or emotion. There is a huge disconnect with my mind, it's like there's a huge crater that has been punched through me; the part of my brain that feels, it's been temporarily paused.
My body feels like it's not connected to me, I'm just simply existing, not feeling a thing, it's like I'm in a dream, observing myself but I'm not quite a part of it. This depersonalisation is a blessing and a curse.
In my therapy session yesterday, I just couldn't quite tap into myself at all, I felt like I was a visitor in someone else's brain. I was there on the surface, but deeper down, at an emotional level, I just couldn't quite feel (and still can't) any kind of emotion, it feels like there's something that's preventing me from reaching my emotional state and everything is just so still and stoic and far away.
I've not taken my main meds for 5 days and I know this is the cause of all of this. It's not that I chose not to take them but I ran out and then there was an issue with the pharmacy and now it's just a matter of me needing to go and collect them, which seems like a huge task, which it actually isn't.
But my meds are all being changed as of next week and I'm going to have to go through all these side effects again, and readjust to certain emotional states that they cause and it's just not fair. I just want to be healthy, I don't even want to be happy, emotionally healthy is what I'm working for, not happiness. It just doesn't seen fair that I have to keep doing this over and over again. I work so hard every damn day and these obstacles just keep blocking my way, and fighting it so much is just becoming so exhausting that I'm absolutely terrified I'm just going to give into whatever comes my way and see it as a reason to relapse. And I don't think I can pull myself up from rock bottom again.
I've already been engaging in old behaviours; my self loathing has been out of control, and I've been isolating myself from anybody because I'm absolutely terrified that they hate me or will decide that they hate me and then I'll lose them.
I've been making myself sick every single day and I am so ashamed of myself. I've lasted nearly a month without doing it, but now it's become a crutch again. Something to help me cope. Something to help me get through the day. Because I can't restrict, if I don't eat, the meds make me so ill that I absolutely have to. So why do I think making myself sick will have any impact whatsoever on my not being able to restrict? I know the science, I know it just harms my body more.
I got to a point where my body has been so destroyed by my anorexia and bulimia that I was at huge risk of a heart attack (amongst many other things). My heart is so weak after everything I've put my body through, it's dangerously weak and it gets to points where I can feel the damage in my heart. The pain and discomfort is unbearable. Yet here I am, destroying it again, for what? Some vain attempt at trying to convince myself that I've got control over my weight? Over something? What?!
Everything just feels so unreachable. Emotions, clarity, everything. I just want to be able to breathe again, even just a tiny bit, I feel like I'm trapped in a bubble and I can't get out.
I don't want to be known as the girl who is ill. I don't want people to look at me and feel sorry for me, or pity me because my mind is such a mess and I'm so screwed up. I don't want people to back away from me and not want to bother with me because I seem like such hard work. I don't want to not be worth people's time because I'm too much. I'm not weak. I'm not someone that can be controlled. I'm not a toy or something that people can claim possession over, which has been occurring over the last few weeks and has just completely thrown me off. I don't belong to anybody and nobody has the right to fight over me or act like I'm theirs. Nobody has the right to just walk in and out if my life whenever they please and then leave me in ruins when they decide they don't want me. It's not fair.
None of this is fair. But then it's hardly a huge deal and I feel like such an awful person for being so affected by such menial, stupid things. There are people who are actually suffering and here I am with some stupid disorder that makes me so sensitive that everything affects me. Who do I think I am? What gives me the right to be so affected by such stupid shit when there are people in the world who are going through such terrible things. My problems are absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. Nothing at all.
I don't even know why I'm posting this and I'm probably going to delete it but I have no idea what is going in in my head and I just need something to just arrange all this nonsense into something. Something.
No comments:
Post a Comment