an empty space to fill in

Today has been an incredibly hard day.

Self loathing set in the moment I woke up. My mind was just dark and foggy and  numb. My head was too heavy to lift off the pillows, so I just pulled the covers over my head and lay still. Alternating between eyes open and eyes closed, when they were open I was fixated at a spot on the wall; time was passing and I was just this heavy weight, unable to escape whatever it was that had consumed me.

I wanted to punish myself, I had overwhelming urges to hurt myself for things that were out of my control, things people had said to me. I needed to punish myself. But I was too tired to hurt. Numb was comfortable, numb was manageable. Pain was a place on the spectrum I wasn't willing to expose myself too. So I purged.

I kept going, hours passed and I sat comfortably waiting for a reasonable amount of time to pass between each purge.

Until finally I stopped. I let the pain in, I let myself feel it, I let it wash over me and then I let it leave me. 

I made the distinction that these actions were a result of my illness. This is not me. I have to fight. Bad days will come and go, but I have to try and be safe and look after myself in a way I was unable to before.

A friend called me and talked to me for over three hours, making me talk about anything and everything and it gave me a small escape route of relief. It was temporary but it helped. 

I had a shower and I accidentally cut my thumb on a razor and a rush of adrenaline threw my body at the sensation, remember what it was like to force those blades inside yourself? The self loathing that has been driving my mind all day screamed at me, reminding me that I was worthless and this was a tool for me to punish myself for being so inadequate and worthless.

But I managed to not listen to those feelings and I didn't hurt myself and I feel stronger and I feel proud of myself. It's something so small but I'm proud of myself. 

I'm not worthless. I don't deserve to be punished. That is my depression talking, it's not the truth. But when it's talking to you and driving you from within, it's so hard to make the distinction. 

I'm so tired, my head hurts and my whole body just aches.