love is louder than all your pain.

I've been trying to set aside time to write about everything in my life right now, but I have had no desire to write because I've just been so happy. To me, happiness and writing do not go together, I've always written from such depths of sadness that it's very hard for me to write about joy. But the fact is, I'm experiencing levels of happiness that I couldn't even fathom and I want to share that happiness and attempt to put into words the beautiful twist that my life has taken. A very wise blogger, Ava, encouraged me to write from a place of happiness and that's exactly what I'm going to do from now on; write from that happy place, take that love and translate it into words. 

Anybody who reads this blog will know that I have been in some terrible places of darkness, I've had the hardest year of my entire life. I had to fight to find the part of me that wants to be alive, I had to find a way out of the thoughts that told me that the world didn't need my existence. And I fought, I fought hard and it was the hardest thing I've ever done but I am so thankful that I did, because fighting that hard gave me the most beautiful reward. 

Falling in love was most definitely something I had ruled off the cards for myself for a long time, especially this year. I didn't even think about it, it wasn't on my radar, yet somehow it found me. When people in treatment talked about love and happiness, I couldn't even comprehend it, I couldn't grasp the notion that anybody could ever fall in love with me.

As cheesy as it sounds, love really is a force that transcends everything and anything. It's not something that you can mould or shape into what you want it to be, and oh boy had I tried. When it comes along, when it truly hits you, it may not be shaped how you expect or packaged quite how you had anticipated and envisioned. It certainly wasn't how I had anticipated it. 

Loving someone really is simple. There is no rhyme or reason, there is nothing to "make sense" of, love is love. Love is a reflex, it's what we do. You don't need to analyse or scrutinise or even criticise, when there is apparent love and from that love stems an abundance of happiness, then so be it. Maybe you have a different idea of what love is, everybody does, but strip it down and loving somebody isn't a chore, or a hardship, it brings you comfort and happiness, and it makes you feel like you can climb mountains and conquer anything that comes your way.

You can't ignore such a powerful connection and draw to another person, no matter how hard you try. From the moment I got to know her, we connected in a way that I can't even explain. We were like magnets, drawn to each other and as time passed, she made me feel safe, and I haven't felt safe for as long as I can remember. She lit up the darkness inside of me. I had fallen in love and I wasn't even aware, I just absolutely adored the girl that had come into my life and made me feel a joy that I had never felt before. Whilst she held my hands and looked into my eyes and took me effortlessly out of panic attacks, whilst she held my hand as we walked, as we sat, as we held each other for hours, both of us were oblivious to what was right in front of us. Our friends joked that we were together and even then it just didn't quite click.

Until we kissed. And something in my brain just exploded and everything made sense to both of us. It was beautiful and crazy and so uniquely us. What was weird was that it wasn't weird. Nothing about this was weird or 'wrong' or anything to not want to scream from the rooftops that we are in love. 

I have found joy, happiness, and emotions that were unknown to me. I've found reasons to live and each and everyday. But I've found someone. The best someone. I feel beyond any emotion I have ever felt before. The love I have for her is so strong that it has completely overwhelmed me. It's a force that has taken me over and turned my life around.

She is everything. She is love. She is everything good in this world. She makes me feel like I'm worth the world. I love her, it's that simple. I want to give her everything. I want her to be happy. She makes me feel a way I have never, ever felt before. For the first time in my life I feel like I have purpose and strength and a reason to be alive. She reached in and coaxed life and love out of me. 

I am feeling levels of indescribable happiness and joy and it's so overwhelming. I wish I could go back in time and tell the sick me to hold on and to know that the pain and the hurt was worth it, because it taught me how to fully understand and appreciate what happiness is. It taught me how to give love and make other people happy. It taught me how to make the person I love the most happy, and for that, those years of pain and suffering were worth every moment.