friends.

"My love. In the grand scheme of things, if we magnify what the world is, there are 4 billion people on this earth. If we were to write a list of allllllll the people that are living and breathing on the earth,  we have a long list. But that name is just made up of letters, right? The same letters I'm using to type this out. But those combination of letters represent life. A human beings life. It does not reflect anything about them but that they exist and think and breathe.  But that we know by seeking them. We don't see the underlying feelings or thoughts until we know them. Every name on that list is happy and sad and feels pain and struggles immensely, more than we'll ever know. They are worthy of those thoughts and feelings, even though on this piece of paper they are just another name. But they cry. They hurt. They struggle. They breathe. The fact that 3,999,999,999 other people also feel pain and grief and suffering doesn't lessen the world's suffering.  There are 4 billion hearts beating, but that doesn't mean yours is not important. If does not mean that you are not worthy. Because if we minimize ourselves as one person with a problem, you disregard that we are ALL people and we ALL have problems and that's okay!!! We're allowed to live and be upset by stupid things or by the bigger things. You're allowed to. And we all get through, many times not unscathed.  

What you are dealing with is not your fault. It has never been your fault. Mental health is the same as physical health. We get sick physically with a cough because of a virus, just as we get sick with the chemicals in our mind being askew. That's not your fault. And what we all work through with our issues is finding that we are worthy or working towards the healthy. And it's a fucking tough fight babe. And we're bound to fall and scrape our knees on the way. But don't let those small cuts and bruises become scars, let them be battle wounds.

I've seen you show strength and agility and fight, and I know that right now is just lost but it can and it will be found. And I believe that if you take one step at a time and work as hard and as much as you can, it's going to be okay. And some days it'll be just a centimeter and some days a kilometer, you'll be okay. Allow yourself to have both days and to make mistakes but to get right back up and fight." 

- My best friend has the most incredible soul. I needed to share her  beautiful words to me with more people, she is just so wonderful and I adore her with every fibre of my being. 

raise your hopeful voice.

Every once in a while, the universe conspires to bring something into your life that will evidently alter your very state of being.

You are in the right place at the right time, with the right combination of people and something just happens that suddenly loosens the pain in your chest and gives your soul a moment of pure relief and release. You can feel it replenish the broken parts of you.

To put it simply, theatre nourishes my soul. Throughout my entire life; as an audience member and as an actor, theatre has sparked a flame inside of me that has never burnt out, and has been one part of my identity that was not erased by depression or anorexia. 

Sometimes, the right combination of cast and creatives come along and do not just create a piece of theatre, they create magic. 

At the lowest moment of my relapse, on one terrible night, I knew that I had to do something to quiet the darkness that was consuming me, so I purchased a ticket to see a show that I had seen before and very much enjoyed. What I wasn't anticipating, however, was a combination of incredible talent and energy that penetrated through every destructive layer of my mind and made me feel for the first time in months.

It was a catalyst for a myriad of inspirational and positive forces into my life. 

Since that night, I have been making weekly trips to see that same show and having exactly the same visceral reaction to what stoked something within me on that absolutely horrendous "rock bottom" night before I was readmitted back into hospital. 

Excessive? Yes. I have an extremely addictive personality, a trait that played a great part in anorexia gaining full control over my entire existence. I was addicted to losing weight. I was addicted to destroying myself. My addictive personality was instrumental in the self destruction that caused me to attempt to take my own life. However, it is also my addictive personality that drives my determination towards recovery. If I can find something that invokes such strong feelings within me that aren't destructive, be it theatre, art, books, music... I will indulge myself, I will allow myself to be exposed to something hopeful and positive time and time again, because I know of what the alternatives to not feeling them are. 

For me right now, a musical is one of many, many things that are aiding my recovery and allowing me to rediscover parts of myself that have remained buried under years of depression and self loathing.

I have never underestimated the ability a text, a piece of music, or a group of people, can have on helping people rebuild themselves. Art has the ability to transcend whatever boundaries or walls we build within ourselves, and connect our souls to something.

I have been introduced to not just some incredibly talented, but also some incredibly kind people through this particular piece of theatre. People who have given me hope that there is a "light at the end of the tunnel" and also that there are some remarkable acts of compassion out there, and also people who emit a tremendous amount of kindness into the world. Acts of which I was certain didn't exist in my world and that I had no hope for and no belief that I deserved them. 

I didn't ask or search for the adjustments to my core beliefs that have occurred over the last few months, but they came along at the perfect time and helped get me through something that I didn't ever see there being a way out of. 

We can just stumble across fortunate accidents, little serendipitous acts can come from nowhere, change the course of our lives and irrevocably alter us for the better.

I need to keep remembering that I can allow myself to hope. I can allow myself to believe that things can and will get better, because they can, and they will. 

random acts of kindness.

Today at work, a stranger handed me this note. Completely out of the blue. What a beautiful spirit. They say "be kind, for everybody is suffering"  And I wonder, did he know? 

I always think to one of my favourite plays, A Streetcar Named Desire, in one of my favourite scenes, Blanche's final words in the play; "I've always depended on the kindness of strangers" and we do, don't we? 

We all start as strangers, each and everyone of us. Circumstance and situations lead us to become something more. But each and every stranger we encounter has their own life, their own world, their own belief system, their own struggles. Maybe just a friendly smile could be the only smile, the only light they see that day. Isn't it just nice to bring a little bit of happiness to somebody, whether you know them or not?

Kindness is underrated.