a lack of colour.

An excerpt from my journal from earlier this year; 

I feel that trying to describe depression can be the hardest task. Pair it with trying to describe the grip that eating disorders hold over you and how body dysmorphia prevents you from seeing reality staring back at you in the mirror, then the act of being "okay" when someone asks "how are you?" is a much easier and tangible option.  

My mind is vast. My moods are rapid. My thoughts are scattered. I have likened them to a black and white kaleidoscope*. They merge, they alter, they separate.  

*I say black and white because I associate kaleidoscopes with exuberant colour, whereas my thoughts are worlds away from beautiful merging colours.  

My world is black and white. My thoughts are black and white. All or nothing. No way but one way; one way traffic, a dead end street. Incredibly wonderful or excruciatingly terrible. No middle ground, no grey area, no white noise. 

Colourless is a reality. Dark thoughts. Sadness. Pain. Numb. Hurt. Suffering. Even the adjectives themselves juxtapose bright, vibrant colours.  

My moods are low and my mindset is bleak. I distort rationality into irrationality. I hate what I see when I see myself. I feel empty, sad, and at times; numb.  

There is a roadblock stopping me, paralysing me, not allowing me to do simple things, like get out of bed. The anxiety crushes my chest, weighs me down. I am pinned down by depression like a caged bird, unable to break free, but able to see everything and everyone moving around me.  

I get glimmers of colour. Like the early morning rays of sun creeping into the windows and illuminating the specks of dust that, without that light, would remain unnoticed, invisible. I cherish that light. I revel in the colour. 

I long for the days when they stay and are not fleeting and sparse. I cannot wait for those days, I cannot wait for recovery. 

Some days when I am at my worst, I cannot see beyond that day, but when I am out of it, I can look back and smile and say "I made it through. the darkness slowly started to colour in and I'm back on my feet, even if it's just for today, I made it."

I live for the good days.